We came across an interesting op-ed recently that discussed the differences that children today and their parents have with regards to growing up. There was a time when most of us could go outside and well, play. Sure, we did stupid things, but we survived and learned, and moved on. Before a time of digital leashes, and overly protective parenting, kids were just left to be kids. Sure, the world’s changed a bit since we were all kids, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that children should be deprived the opportunity to be a bit more independent. At least that’s the opinion of the author. Read below.

Let’s face it: Playing outside all day without structure and protection just poses too many risks to the perfect developmental needs of today’s fragile, Bubble-Wrapped Kids.

Fortunately, like the person who created that streetlight meme, I am one of those kids who grew up in the ’70s and ’80s. We were what you might call “free range” kids. It was the best of times, and it was the suckiest of times. Not only were we free to just be kids, we also had a ton more responsibility… and accountability. Many of us were babysitting other people’s kids by 12 years old and holding down paper routes by 13. We weren’t harmed or traumatized by our freedom or responsibility… we were enriched by it.

Kids today don’t have the level of independence we had back then and they don’t have even a fraction of the responsibility either. But it’s not entirely their fault. If today’s parents really want to be able to get back some of those good ole days that we enjoyed and which made us the great people we are today, they need to realize that kids cannot breathe, grow and thrive in a protective, layered world where nothing ever goes wrong and no one ever gets hurt. If they could even fathom following a few of the hands-off parenting methods that our parents and grandparents used with us, they may find their kids might actually take the opportunity to cut off the bubble wrap, get off the iPads and go play outside all day long… or at least until we text them for dinner.

To read the full piece on Huffington Post, click here.

We couldn’t resist posting this amazingly funny comedic piece from the New Yorker by Sarah Miller. There are a lot of parenting studies out there and there will continue to be plenty more. In the end, what’s right for you and your family will depend on you and your family. You might pick and choose what works for you from one study, or agree wholeheartedly with a study and stick to it. Or maybe you will just avoid studies in general. We like to pick and choose what to share with our members and we do it only to share the option of having the information. Now take a moment and read below, it’s hilarious!

As seen in the New Yorker:

A recent study has shown that if American parents read one more long-form think piece about parenting they will go f***ing ape sh*t.

The study was conducted by Susan Waterson, a professor of behavioral psychology at the University of Massachusetts and the author of zero books, because, Waterson says, “another book at this point would just be cruel.” In the course of seven weeks, Waterson interviewed a hundred and twenty-seven families about their reaction to articles that begin with a wryly affectionate parenting anecdote, segue into a dry cataloguing of sociological research enlivened with alternately sarcastic and tender asides, and end with another wryly affectionate anecdote that aims to add a touch of irony or, failing at that, sentimentality. “I wasn’t looking to prove there was too much of this content,” Waterson said. “I’m a behaviorist, not a sociologist. Only one part of this equation interested me—the f***ing ape sh*t part.”

We came across this great blog from a mother of adult children who discusses her thoughts on when to stop being a hands on parent and instead watch from the sidelines.

This article was originally published on Better After 50.

By Felice Shapiro

It turns out that my very odd upbringing ironically may have prepared me for the next phase of parenting — parenting adult children.

I walked a mile to school — I’m not kidding, and I wasn’t even from a farming family. I lived in downtown Boston and went to school in the suburbs. Actually, it was way more than 1 mile — I walked 10 minutes from my lovely home in Back Bay (so don’t feel sorry for me) — took the Green Line (rattily old trolley — the “T”) 45 minutes from Copley Square and THEN, after I dropped my little sister at her school, I walked a mile from her school to mine.

No surprise I started hitch hiking at an early age, until a creep with a riding crop on the dashboard picked me up and stared at my exposed legs for the mile ride. Freaky, scary and stupid. When my sister was old enough to travel on her own, I got a 10-speed bike for my birthday and rode from Back Bay to Chestnut Hill with books on my back — no helmet of course — down the commuter clogged Beacon Street — about 8 miles. I loved my newfound freedom.

I don’t remember my parents being particularly concerned about me riding in traffic. I don’t remember my parents being worried about anything I did. Actually the only time they got concerned was when I worried about stuff and got stomachaches. They would tell me there was nothing to worry about anyway — so I ultimately, never told them about my worries.

I didn’t tell my parents too much of anything. They were not on the front line of my life and our relationship was one of “checking-in.”

Parenting happened at dinnertime. I deflected the questions about grades and focused on my sports stuff. But to be honest, I was not the center of the dinner table talk — I was lucky to escape the veal sauce experiments, slipping the food into my napkin. My dad usually shared his take-aways on some article he’d read in The New Republic or Commentary and invited our OPINIONS, of which there were many. Mom was focused on whether the veal experiment would work for her next dinner party. Four girls sat around that table plus mom, for a few years until my two older sibs got smart and went away to school. Shortly after I left for college, my parents divorced, after 20ish years of marriage.

So basically, what I learned as a kid I taught myself — or my sisters taught me. Did they even have self-help books in the 60s? I could have used them. It turns out as a child of hands-off parenting, I relied on the wisdom and focused guidance of 1. my Nana who was around a lot in those early years, 2. Eugenia, our live-in help, who was truly my best friend and cheerleader, and 3. my two closest high school friends.

Not surprisingly, when it was my turn to parent, I was hell bent on being hands-on. I wanted to be on the front line of my kids’ lives, and the rewards were staggering. My husband and I purposely chose a community to raise our boys where they could walk to school, their friends were walking distance from our home and our work was nearby. We could, and did, show up at everything.

When just a short 17 to 18 years later the kids left the nest for college, we believed we were no longer on the front line as parents. But, in fact we were. The question, remained, how much of an impact would we have once they were outside the nest?

Despite their new grown up playing field of college (or not), of work disappointments and challenges, and the nuances of dating and relationships — which all happen outside of our homes — some of us are not letting go of our parenting front row seats as they move through their life’s performances — even though a shift is occurring.

At what point do we shift from shapers in our kids’ lives to observers and guides and become way more hands-off?

I don’t know too many parents who can resist helping their kids as they explore their new independent lives. But, when are we supposed to stop helping them negotiate daily life, i.e., make their own dentist appointments, take them off the family cell phone plan, stop booking their travel stuff because they don’t have time, or resist going into their apartments and tidying up… etc. When does this line in the sand get drawn?

When do we move off our kids’ stage, into the orchestra and ultimately the bleachers? When is it enough to say our parenting roles are limited to watching quietly as they stumble, fall and get up again without fixing or trying to? At what point do we zip-it and trust that they will figure it out?

As my eldest finishes up graduate school and heads to another part of the country to work and my youngest develops his music career — I know we are no longer on the front line. The process has been evolutionary, and surprisingly quite liberating. It does not feel like the loss I had imagined, as I am no longer “on-call” on a daily basis.

One of my most favorite parts of being post-50 is indeed this shifting role as a parent. Despite some frustration about sitting in the bleachers of our kids lives and dealing with obstructed views — my  husband and I are loving our independence.

Each generation of parents are different from their predecessors, and when it comes to parenting styles, most new parents tend to develop their own methods and at times avoid some of the methods they grew up with at home. This couldn’t be more true with millennial moms. A recent study earlier this year from BabyCenter, the world’s leading parenting and pregnancy web destination, revealed what makes millennial moms so different from other generations of mothers.

“The Millennial Mom is more than you think she is,” says Mike Fogarty, SVP and Global Publisher at BabyCenter. “She represents a cultural and economic force that’s creating lasting change. Remember, this generation entered adulthood in the late 1990s with a tailwind of economic growth and global stability, only to see their future thrown into question. Millennial Moms are also bucking convention – in the way they raise their kids and the way they live their own lives.” Fogarty adds, “The media’s coverage of this generation as self-centered and entitled misses the point. Millennials are a study in contrasts. They’re underemployed but entrepreneurial, educated but in debt, digital natives fluent with technology and new media – but back to basics with a strong focus on the environment, health, and nutrition.”

Below are a couple key highlights from the release.

She’s Not Her Mother
Millennial Moms are the product of helicopter parenting and opt to parent their own children differently by adopting a more relaxed approach. Despite parenting pressures, Millennial Moms say their parenting style is loving (96%), encouraging (92%), supportive (90%), and involved (87%). When asked about their own upbringing, Millennial Moms are more likely than Gen X moms to say that their parents were protective (63% vs. 49%), worried (38% vs. 26%), and enabling (34% vs. 25%). However, when asked about their own parenting style, Millennial Moms say they are fun (88% vs. 82% of Gen X moms), forgiving (87% vs. 77%), relaxed (59% vs 48%), and aspirational (49% vs. 39%).

She’s Socially Selective
Despite increased social media activity, Millennial Moms are less concerned about posting pictures of themselves or their children to social networks. This may be due to the fact that they are more tech-savvy and know how to take security precautions. Four out of five Millennial Moms don’t settle for Facebook’s default privacy settings and three out of five turn off location services for photos and/or social media sites.

Millennial Moms are also happy to communicate with others digitally. Compared to Gen X moms, Millennial Moms are twice as likely to prefer communicating with their parents via text, and twice as likely to use social media to send birthday party invitations. In addition, Millennial Moms are 21% less likely to send a thank-you note via postal mail.

Everyone can benefit from education, right? But what about parenting classes? Do they really work and who is to say how someone should parent? Everyone is unique and different and have their own perceptions on how to raise children. There are so many elements that could potentially affect a parenting style. The state of New York is considering a new bill that would make parenting classes mandatory. The bill would also force employers to give employees paid time off to attend the classes and would potentially hold children back at the sixth grade level if parents have not completed their required courses.

Here’s the bill, which is a short read. Section 1, “Requires parents of elementary school children to attend a minimum of four parent support instruction programs prior to the child’s advancement to the seventh grade. Requires employers to provide one day per year of paid job leave for the purposes of attending such support instruction programs.”

Section 2, “Provides that the topic of one such workshop shall be related to the physical, emotional and sexual abuse of children.”

So what do you think? Imposing parenting classes on parents and holding kids back if parents refuse to attend. State-run parenting classes. Just the sound of that makes us cringe at the thought of how efficient they would be. Do you think parents need parenting courses to properly raise their children? Tweet us and let us know. @FamilyByDesign

Being a stay at home parent is not an easy task. For some, it’s a completely new transition from a traditional career to a career as a parent. Staying home is work, and like or not, it’s just as much as a “job” as going to an office and working 9-5, in some cases, harder. Stay at home parents have traditionally been women, but men staying at home shouldn’t be overshadowed, because there have always been dads that took the role seriously and who enjoyed being home to raise their kid(s) while their spouse or partner was being financially responsible for the family.

With so many unique parenting situations that are being the norm in our society, men are stepping up and wanting to fulfill the stay at home role. In a parenting perspective blog we found, a stay at home dad opens up about his comfortability in his role-reversal with his wife. This is an example of a tradional heterosexual married couple, but we thought his insights to being a man that stays home to raise his kids were cute and on-point. The parents were able to negotiate switching roles back and forth. The full blog can be found here.

As a stay-at-home dad, I have learned not only patience but also the guitar, not only how to juggle priorities but also how to roll spheres on my body as a street performer in downtown Fargo.

My wife has been busy as well, adding writing and birth work as a doula to her professional bag of tricks.

There are noses (and butts) to wipe, but there are also games to play, books to read, and social skills to develop. The dishes, the sweeping, the drudgery and the joy appeared to be never ending.

Yet as all things must, and this too has passed.

Last summer, after several rounds of spousal negotiations, we decided to switch roles once again. I would seek full-time employment of the paid variety, freeing Janelle to pursue her work as a doula and writer (on top of the myriad cares and concerns of being a stay-at-home mom to 6-year-old Dylan and 4-year-old Julia.

A good friend asked me a while back if it was hard to be working full time again, and I laughed and laughed. It is so much easier than staying at home!

For one thing, people arrive on their own in the morning fully dressed and presumably having eaten a healthy breakfast. We can only wish for such amazing self-direction from our children. I never have to ask anyone at work if they need to use the restroom before we leave for lunch. So easy!

New York (Reuters) – Recollections of strict, unaffectionate parents were more common among young adults with an unhealthy attachment to Internet use, compared to their peers, in a new Greek study.

Young adults who recall their parents being tough or demanding without showing affection tend to be sad or to have trouble making friends, and those personality traits raise their risk of Internet addiction, the researchers say.

“In short, good parenting, including parental warmth and affection, that is caring and protective parents, has been associated with lower risk for Internet addiction,” said lead author Argyroula E. Kalaitzaki of the Technological Education Institute (TEI) of Crete in Heraklion, “whereas bad parenting, including parental control and intrusion, that is authoritarian and neglectful parents, has been associated with higher risk for addiction.”

Research on Internet addiction is still relatively new, and there are no actual criteria for diagnosing the disorder, though there are many inpatient and outpatient treatment facilities in the U.S., Australia and Asia.

Some of the studies done to date suggest that kids who have trouble relating to others in person might be at higher risk for a problematically high level of Internet use. Those who are socially withdrawn or lonely might also be more likely to spend excessive time online.

Kalaitzaki’s team predicted that the way kids bonded with their parents would predict aspects of their personality as young adults, which in turn would predict their likelihood of Internet addiction.

For the study, more than 700 young adults at technical schools, all around age 20, filled out questionnaires during class time. They answered questions about their feelings of loneliness, sadness and anxiety, and about their Internet use. They also answered questions about how they recalled being brought up during their first 16 years of life.

In Greece, previous studies have found that between 1 percent and 8 percent of teens are addicted to the Internet. The current study classified almost 2 percent of the men and 0.6 percent of the women as severely addicted, according to the results published in Addictive Behaviors. The authors did not find a link between anxiety or loneliness and Internet addiction, nor could they directly link any particular parenting style with addiction. But Kalaitzaki and her colleagues did find indirect connections. The kids who remembered their fathers as controlling and not affectionate tended to have more trouble relating to others as young adults, and those who had trouble relating to others were more likely to be addicted.

Those who remembered their mothers as just not being very good parents were more likely to report sadness as young adults, which was also linked to Internet addiction.

“Parents should be made aware of the harmful impact that a potential negative parental rearing style may have upon their children in later life,” Kalaitzaki told Reuters Health.

Kalaitzaki studies interpersonal relationships and psychotherapy in the Department of Social Work at TEI. Other international studies suggest that Internet addiction may harm a person’s mental and physical health, she said. Those who go online excessively tend to be distressed, tense, nervous and irritable, and to have trouble sleeping and fatigue.

“This discussion is of large interest for the technological society at large, given that Internet addiction is related to a medium present in virtually all homes and not regulated, like drugs of abuse,” George Floros, who studies the emerging addiction at Aristotle University of Thessaloniki in Greece, told Reuters Health.

“Parents would do well to examine the kind of model they present,” said Floros, an adjunct professor of medicine. “Being preoccupied with technology to the detriment of social contacts is something we are seeing more frequently in young parents and this offers a negative model for their children.”

Problematic parenting can go one of two ways, both of which might up the risk of Internet addiction in theory, he said. Overly permissive parents might use the Internet early on as a way to give up responsibility for the kids – an unattended child in front of a computer requires less effort from the parents than an active, present child. On the other hand, overly controlling parents can end up with kids who rebel or turn inwards, which might also lead to excessive Internet use, he said.

“Parents that identify their children to have some symptoms of addiction, like excessive time spent online or need to spend increasingly longer periods online, inadequate sleep and fatigue, apathy, nervousness, or irritability when offline, impairments in relationships and schoolwork or employment, should contact a health care professional as soon as possible,” Kalaitzaki said.

BY KATHRYN DOYLE

It’s 2014 and new technology is only going to keep coming at us, at a rapid pace. It seems like every day there is a new gadget being introduced to the world. And the realm of parenting is no exception to the tech world. New devices and products are being aimed at parents, and parenting styles are changing and adapting to the ongoing tech trends. There are devices that allow parents to monitor breathing, skin temperature and even the body position of the child. There is even live streaming audio from baby monitors to mobile devices now. Parents using them are obviously wanting the best for their children, but is having an abundance of technology assisting you while raising a child helpful or harmful?

What do you think? Click here to read the full article.

We have all been over to a friend’s house and heard them talking to their kids. At times we might have questioned why some of our friends were saying certain things to their children. We might have even played out the scenario in our heads, changing the way the dialogue went. But how do we know if what we are saying to kids or intend to say to them, is right or wrong?

We came across this great blog post by Shelly Phillips. In the post, she lists common phrases that should never be said to a child, and has her alternatives to use instead. Are we thinking way too much into this, or does what she say have some validity? Below are a few of the phrases she recommends not saying to your child.

“Good job!”

The biggest problem with this statement is that it’s often said repeatedly and for things a child hasn’t really put any effort into. This teaches children that anything is a “good job” when mom and dad say so (and only when mom and dad say so).P

Instead try, “You really tried hard on that!” By focusing on a child’s effort, we’re teaching her that the effort is more important than the results. This teaches children to be more persistent when they’re attempting a difficult task and to see failure as just another step toward success.P

“Good boy (or girl)!”

This statement, while said with good intentions, actually has the opposite effect you’re hoping for. Most parents say this as a way to boost a child’s self-esteem. Unfortunately, it has quite a different effect. When children hear “good girl!” after performing a task you’ve asked them for, they assume that they’re only “good” because they’ve done what you’ve asked. That sets up a scenario in which children can become afraid of losing their status as a “good kid” and their motivation to cooperate becomes all about receiving the positive feedback they’re hoping for.P

Instead, try “I appreciate it so much when you cooperate!” This gives children real information about what you’re wanting and how their behavior impacts your experience. You can even take your feelings out of it entirely and say something like, “I saw you share your toy with your friend.” This allows your child to decide for himself whether sharing is “good” and lets him choose to repeat the action from his internal motivation, rather than doing it just to please you.P

“What a beautiful picture!”

When we put our evaluations and judgments onto a child’s artwork, it actually robs them of the opportunity to judge and evaluate their own work.P

Instead try, “I see red, blue and yellow! Can you tell me about your picture?” By making an observation, rather than offering an evaluation, you’re allowing your child to decide if the picture is beautiful or not, maybe she intended it to be a scary picture. And by asking her to tell you about it, you’re inviting her to begin to evaluate her own work and share her intent, skills that will serve her creativity as she matures and grows into the artist she is.P

“Stop it right now, or else!”

Threatening a child is almost never a good idea. First of all, you’re teaching them a skill you don’t really want them to have: the ability to use brute force or superior cunning to get what they want, even when the other person isn’t willing to cooperate. Secondly, you’re putting yourself in an awkward position in which you either have to follow through on your threats—exacting a punishment you threatened in the heat of your anger—or you can back down, teaching your child that your threats are meaningless. Either way, you’re not getting the result you want and you’re damaging your connection with your child.P

While it can be difficult to resist the urge to threaten, try sharing vulnerably and redirecting to something more appropriate instead.“It’s NOT OK to hit your brother. I’m worried that he will get hurt, or he’ll retaliate and hurt you. If you’d like something to hit, you may hit a pillow, the couch or the bed.” By offering an alternative that is safer yet still allows the child to express her feelings you’re validating her emotions even as you set a clear boundary for her behavior. This will ultimately lead to better self-control and emotional wellbeing for your child.P

“Don’t cry.”

Being with your child’s tears isn’t always easy. But when we say things like, “Don’t cry,” we’re invalidating their feelings and telling them that their tears are unacceptable. This causes kids to learn to stuff their emotions, which can ultimately lead to more explosive emotional outbursts.P

Try holding space for your child as he cries. Say things like, “It’s OK to cry. Everyone needs to cry sometimes. I’ll be right here to listen to you.” You might even try verbalizing the feelings your child might be having, “You’re really disappointed that we can’t go to the park right now, huh?” This can help your child understand his feelings and learn to verbalize them sooner than he might otherwise. And by encouraging his emotional expression, you’re helping him learn to regulate his emotions, which is a crucial skill that will serve him throughout life.

A huge fear for parents is sending their kids off to school. They can’t be there to protect them from other kids or situations that may hurt them. With bullying being so talked about on the news and media, which it should be, parents are now fearing that their child may be the victim of bullying at school. But what if your child is the bully? That thought is just as scary to parents, or even more so because the damaging effects bullying can have on a child can last a lifetime. So how do you prevent your child from becoming a bully?

In her book Bullied: What Every Parent, Teacher and Kid Needs to Know About Ending the Cycle of Fear, author Carrie Goldman draws from the work of several scholars and shares information on parenting practices that can help prevent bullying – as well as those that can actually foster bullying behaviors. Here are a few examples of risk factors and protective factors that Goldman shares in her book:

Risk Factors – Kids who bully others are more likely to experience:

• Frequent and inconsistent punishment
• Harshness, rejection or neglect from their parents
• Cruelty, maltreatment and domestic violence
• Low parental warmth
• Low family connections and cohesion
• Limited parental involvement in school

Protective Factors – Parents of well-adjusted kids tend to:

• Use effective monitoring
• Communicate warmth, love and a sense of belonging
• Get actively involved in their child’s school activities
• Set appropriate, consistent boundaries
• Have expectations for their children
• Communicate regularly with their children’s teachers