We have all been over to a friend’s house and heard them talking to their kids. At times we might have questioned why some of our friends were saying certain things to their children. We might have even played out the scenario in our heads, changing the way the dialogue went. But how do we know if what we are saying to kids or intend to say to them, is right or wrong?

We came across this great blog post by Shelly Phillips. In the post, she lists common phrases that should never be said to a child, and has her alternatives to use instead. Are we thinking way too much into this, or does what she say have some validity? Below are a few of the phrases she recommends not saying to your child.

“Good job!”

The biggest problem with this statement is that it’s often said repeatedly and for things a child hasn’t really put any effort into. This teaches children that anything is a “good job” when mom and dad say so (and only when mom and dad say so).P

Instead try, “You really tried hard on that!” By focusing on a child’s effort, we’re teaching her that the effort is more important than the results. This teaches children to be more persistent when they’re attempting a difficult task and to see failure as just another step toward success.P

“Good boy (or girl)!”

This statement, while said with good intentions, actually has the opposite effect you’re hoping for. Most parents say this as a way to boost a child’s self-esteem. Unfortunately, it has quite a different effect. When children hear “good girl!” after performing a task you’ve asked them for, they assume that they’re only “good” because they’ve done what you’ve asked. That sets up a scenario in which children can become afraid of losing their status as a “good kid” and their motivation to cooperate becomes all about receiving the positive feedback they’re hoping for.P

Instead, try “I appreciate it so much when you cooperate!” This gives children real information about what you’re wanting and how their behavior impacts your experience. You can even take your feelings out of it entirely and say something like, “I saw you share your toy with your friend.” This allows your child to decide for himself whether sharing is “good” and lets him choose to repeat the action from his internal motivation, rather than doing it just to please you.P

“What a beautiful picture!”

When we put our evaluations and judgments onto a child’s artwork, it actually robs them of the opportunity to judge and evaluate their own work.P

Instead try, “I see red, blue and yellow! Can you tell me about your picture?” By making an observation, rather than offering an evaluation, you’re allowing your child to decide if the picture is beautiful or not, maybe she intended it to be a scary picture. And by asking her to tell you about it, you’re inviting her to begin to evaluate her own work and share her intent, skills that will serve her creativity as she matures and grows into the artist she is.P

“Stop it right now, or else!”

Threatening a child is almost never a good idea. First of all, you’re teaching them a skill you don’t really want them to have: the ability to use brute force or superior cunning to get what they want, even when the other person isn’t willing to cooperate. Secondly, you’re putting yourself in an awkward position in which you either have to follow through on your threats—exacting a punishment you threatened in the heat of your anger—or you can back down, teaching your child that your threats are meaningless. Either way, you’re not getting the result you want and you’re damaging your connection with your child.P

While it can be difficult to resist the urge to threaten, try sharing vulnerably and redirecting to something more appropriate instead.“It’s NOT OK to hit your brother. I’m worried that he will get hurt, or he’ll retaliate and hurt you. If you’d like something to hit, you may hit a pillow, the couch or the bed.” By offering an alternative that is safer yet still allows the child to express her feelings you’re validating her emotions even as you set a clear boundary for her behavior. This will ultimately lead to better self-control and emotional wellbeing for your child.P

“Don’t cry.”

Being with your child’s tears isn’t always easy. But when we say things like, “Don’t cry,” we’re invalidating their feelings and telling them that their tears are unacceptable. This causes kids to learn to stuff their emotions, which can ultimately lead to more explosive emotional outbursts.P

Try holding space for your child as he cries. Say things like, “It’s OK to cry. Everyone needs to cry sometimes. I’ll be right here to listen to you.” You might even try verbalizing the feelings your child might be having, “You’re really disappointed that we can’t go to the park right now, huh?” This can help your child understand his feelings and learn to verbalize them sooner than he might otherwise. And by encouraging his emotional expression, you’re helping him learn to regulate his emotions, which is a crucial skill that will serve him throughout life.

A huge fear for parents is sending their kids off to school. They can’t be there to protect them from other kids or situations that may hurt them. With bullying being so talked about on the news and media, which it should be, parents are now fearing that their child may be the victim of bullying at school. But what if your child is the bully? That thought is just as scary to parents, or even more so because the damaging effects bullying can have on a child can last a lifetime. So how do you prevent your child from becoming a bully?

In her book Bullied: What Every Parent, Teacher and Kid Needs to Know About Ending the Cycle of Fear, author Carrie Goldman draws from the work of several scholars and shares information on parenting practices that can help prevent bullying – as well as those that can actually foster bullying behaviors. Here are a few examples of risk factors and protective factors that Goldman shares in her book:

Risk Factors – Kids who bully others are more likely to experience:

• Frequent and inconsistent punishment
• Harshness, rejection or neglect from their parents
• Cruelty, maltreatment and domestic violence
• Low parental warmth
• Low family connections and cohesion
• Limited parental involvement in school

Protective Factors – Parents of well-adjusted kids tend to:

• Use effective monitoring
• Communicate warmth, love and a sense of belonging
• Get actively involved in their child’s school activities
• Set appropriate, consistent boundaries
• Have expectations for their children
• Communicate regularly with their children’s teachers

We all know that a family can come in many different forms. There is no true singular definition for what “family” means, and as our world is changing and embracing differences, it’s great to read stories of modern families. In a recent interview with CNN, Dan Bucatinsky, the 47-year old actor, producer and author, who most recently won an Emmy for a guest role on ABC’s “Scandal,” the actor opens up about finding his “inner mommy” when it comes to raising his two young children.

Bucatinsky, who plays a gay dad on TV, is also a gay dad in real life. Together with his husband, Don Roos, the pair are fathers to Eliza and Jonah. Within the interview, Bucatinsky opens up about how the definition of “family” is evolving. He also wrote a book on the road to becoming a family in his memoir, “Does This Baby Make Me Look Straight?: Confessions of a Gay Dad.”

CNN is even reaching out to same-sex parents in hopes to highlight creative ways in which they address their parenting roles. A portion of the interview is below. For the full interview, click here.

CNN: When you were growing up and coming to terms with being gay, did it ever cross your mind that you might someday be a father?

Dan Bucatinsky: It wasn’t something that I dared to aspire to. I lived a lot of years in denial. I spent a lot of my teen years promising myself that if it turned out to be true, that I would kill myself. I’m really glad that I didn’t fulfill that promise.

Even early in my 20s when I came out of the closet, I wasn’t really thinking about marriage. I focused on my career, and I didn’t have a clear picture of my future as being in a relationship, having kids and having a domestic life. By 27, I was settling down, and it became clearer to me that it was something I was subconsciously craving.

I was so envious of the gay men I’d meet who wore wedding rings. I remember feeling some kind of pang in my mid-to-late 20s. Maybe it was too painful to really picture. I felt like it wasn’t in my cards. I met Don when I was 27, and we didn’t have kids until I was 40. For 12 years we talked about it, but not seriously, until the last five years. I didn’t believe it was possible, so now, when I think about it, it’s just surreal.

CNN: When you talk to young, gay men about parenthood now, do their expectations differ from that?

Bucatinsky: It’s amazing how different it is now to talk to someone who is exactly my age when I met Don — a 27-year-old out, gay man (who has probably been out since he was 15). It’s a foregone conclusion that if they want it, marriage and kids could be in their future. Parents used to say, “I love you just the same that you’re gay, but it’s such a sad, lonely life,” but that can’t be said anymore.

CNN: When parenthood was finally happening for you and your husband, did you worry about not having a blueprint for it?

Bucatinsky: While we were expecting Eliza, I was in such shock and denial that it was really happening. It didn’t occur to me what would happen when we took that baby home. I didn’t really think it through. Nor did my spouse and I have long enough discussions about our parenting styles. We have subsequently discovered our differences, which hopefully leads to a little yin and yang with the kids.

There were parents that to me were just the ideal. Many of them were straight moms who have just been great, supporting, warm, funny and tough, at least in my perception of them. I’m sure they all had their own bouts of self-doubt. They became my role models, and I hoped I could be as good as them; their kids turned out so great.

CNN: Is motherhood necessarily tied to femininity?

Dan Bucatinsky: It’s not. What I discovered inside me that I didn’t realize was there, was mommyness. But by definition of the fact that I’m not a mommy, if I’m finding qualities that I’m describing as “mommyness” then why do I have to attach a gender to them? Why can’t we move to a time where “parent” is an umbrella term that encapsulates a lot of things: discipline, nurturing, sustenance, support and boundaries?

When you’re a gay dad, you get the question, “Which one of you is the mom?” I used to get offended by it, but now I just answer: I am. If you’re asking me in the way that I’m using the term “mom” loosely, then yes, I have fallen into those more mommyish kinds of roles. Don has fallen more into the daddyish roles, but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t do bath time. But straight parents, too, any modern dad now is doing the same kinds of things. It doesn’t really have to do with gay or straight anymore.

Some parents at times feel lost and helpless when trying to come up with the right decisions when parenting at home. At times, it’s due to their own fears and inhibitions. When this occurs, it’s typical for children to take advantage of the situation and a role-reversal tends to take place. A new book, Who Runs Your House: The Kids or You?, helps put a stop to this and teaches parents the importance of taking control over the household and how to properly keep their children on the right path.

We all know or have seen parents that are controlled by their children. It’s easy to judge, but what guarantees you that your parenting style will afford you a different relationship with your children? Everyone is different and each child is unique, but studying up and taking tips from different sources can help lead parents or soon to be parents in the right direction.

More on the book here and below:

“Our children are beautiful active little people and we sometimes experience diffi culties when their stubbornness or their behaviour leaves us confused. When our children will not listen to us, they behave in a manner we feel is not appropriate or they may act out with anger or tantrums at the worst possible times, what are we suppose to do?” -Karen Phillip
• Are you experiencing regular tantrums from your child?
• Do you argue about behaviours?
• Do you feel your child does not listen to you?
• Is there a problem with your child going to bed or staying in bed?

Parents can easily learn to get their power back, to run their house the way they believe is right for them and their children.

This book can be used as a simple guide to assist you to make the right rules and boundaries for your children and have them followed. It will help you to guide your children toward better behaviours without too much confl ict. By using these suggestions you can communicate better with both your partner and children to achieve the outcome you require.

You run the house, not the children. Get back your control and power easily with little effort both within the home and when out. Follow these suggestions for a happier, life that will be more fulfi lling, enjoyable, and fun.

We came across an article all about the importance of how a male figure interacts and plays with children, courtesy of a Disney owned site, Babble.com. The article is tailored towards father’s but since every family is different, we wanted to just put this out there for anyone to read and appreciate. Disney normally wouldn’t be the first place we would turn to for parenting tips or advice, but since there was a referenced study from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, we gave it a second read and found some fun points. When we post these “tips” or articles about parenting, our hope is not to convince you, teach you or tell you that this is the only way, but instead we hope to inform you, and hopefully inspire you in some way, shape or form. Most people reading our blogs are not parents yet, so these articles are truly meant to help paint a longterm perspective of what parenthood is all about. Read more about how male role figures interact differently with children below.

As fathers, we are built with unique gifts to offer our kids and, believe it or not, how we play with our children is one of them. Studies have shown that fathers play with their kids in ways different than their mothers, and the way fathers play can offer children lessons on behavior and important social skills. Rough-housing with the kids, a dad specialty, is not only good for giggles and laughs, but it gives kids an understanding of boundaries and self-control. They learn how far to take things, what’s “too far,” and how to manage their emotions. It’s in this playful spirit, this sense of adventure, that fathers contribute to their children’s well being.

That same sense of adventure is what challenges children to succeed, to take that extra step and venture into the unknown. The way we play with our kids encourages independence and pushes them to self-achievement. In fact, a 2001 study by the Department of Education showed that children with involved biological fathers were 43% more likely to get mostly A’s in school! How’s that for a positive impact? Read more here.

Not everyone can be a stay at home parent. For most, it’s just not financially feasible. And others, just don’t want to do it. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s perfectly normal to work full time and still manage to raise a baby, regardless of what a certain small population of people might tell you. But don’t let them make you fee bad for a decision that you decide to make when raising your family, or considering how to raise your family.

That being said, if you do decide that you can’t be at home full time, it’s possible you might feel like you are missing out. It’s normal, and these feelings or anxieties are shared among other working parents. Below are some tips geared towards working moms, but can be applied to working parents, as nowadays, we all know that families come in many different forms. (sheknows.com)

Remember that quality matters

You might not have as many hours in the day with your kids as other moms do, but that doesn’t mean you can’t connect with your children in a positive, meaningful way. Remember that it’s quality (not quantity) that counts.

• Unplug. Seriously — turn off your phone, step away from your computer and enjoy your evenings with your kids. Giving your child your full attention is very important for bonding.
• Hug. Every child, no matter how old, needs a mama’s touch. Whether you have toddlers, teens or kids in between, spend some time every day getting close.
• Listen. Let your kids do the talking when you are with them. Whether your teen is venting about a teacher at school or your preschooler is telling you about dragons and dinosaurs, take the time to listen.

It seems like each time we turn on the television or go online, there is a new parenting study telling us that one thing is better than the other or that something we are doing is most likely going to have some sort of impact on someone or something. So are we supposed to live our lives and and or keep adjusting them each time a new study is released? The majority of these studies are coming from reputable sources, but where do you draw the line with too much advice? Generations before us raised kids and although they most likely had similar studies catered to their time era, the vast majority of adults turned out just fine, whether studies were followed or not. So it’s truly up to every parent. You can either listen to every study and live in a world of constant conformity that will most likely be high stress since parenting studies often contradict themselves, or you can pick and choose from all the advice and just raise your child the way in which you feel is best. There’s a humorous blog that dives into the issue of parenting studies a bit further. Below is a preview.

Back when I was a kid, there were no studies deploring the “questionable” parenting tactics of mothers (and to a lesser extent, fathers) who found a variety of uneducational ways to occupy their kids for short periods of time so they could get things done.  But today, it seems, no parenting decision is safe from the watchful eye of the parent police.  And now, a recent study by couponcodes4you.com (which, by the way, is a money saving website, not a parenting authority) concludes disapprovingly that many of us are using tablets and smart phones to keep our kids entertained and occupied.

Read the entire blog here.

Regardless if you are a stay at home parent or working, most moms or dads need to rely on some form of help when raising kids. It could be a day care center, or a mother/grandparent, or friends to babysit while you go to dinner or evening business meeting. It’s important to keep the relationships with these additional helpers in good standing. Parents need to make sure that everyone is on the same page when it comes to certain areas such as discipline or rules. Caregivers need to respect your parenting styles, but remember that it might not be easy for them to do so all the time, especially if they are accustomed to their way. Gabriella Johr, a mom and licensed clinical psychologist has been posting weekly video tips on Go Ask Mom on how to keep the relationships with your “village” going strong. Click the link below to watch the tip from this week.

Click here to watch the video.

How savvy are you with social media? A new research study shows that parents shouldn’t be afraid to learn about social media and get connected. Interacting with your children on social media may create a better and open relationship between parents and kids. Parents who are on their kid’s social media accounts not only have the ability to monitor what they are doing, but also to learn more about them. Kids express themselves more nowadays on social media and having access to those thoughts and feelings can be extremely beneficial when wanting to understand your children more. via phys.org

Brigham Young University professors Sarah Coyne and Laura Padilla-Walker found that teenagers who are connected to their parents on social media feel closer to their parents in real life.

The study of nearly 500 families also found that teens that interact with their parents on social media have higher rates of “pro-social” behavior – meaning that they are more generous, kind and helpful to others.

Lead study author Sarah Coyne did a Q & A about their findings. The full report appears in the journal Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking.

Q: How does social media help families feel more connected?

A: You can do a lot on social networking sites. Your kid might post a picture, and you might show support by liking it or making a nice comment, or a status update that does the same kind of thing. It gives more opportunities to give positive feedback or show affection.

Social networks give an intimate look at your teenager’s life. It lets parents know what their kids are going through, what their friends think is cool or fun, and helps them feel more connected to their child. It gives a nice little window into what is going on.

Q: What’s the typical level of family engagement on social media?

A: Our study asked how often they interacted on social media. Half of the teens in our study reported being on social network sites with their parents and 16 percent interacted with parents every day through social media.

Q: Were more frequent interactions linked to more family closeness?

A: Yes, the more frequently parents used social media to interact with teens, the stronger the connection.

Q: Parents could take this too far presumably. Did you see any of that in your study?

A: It is the kind of thing that you can take too far. Parents need to be smart about how they use it. I think it is a really great tool to connect with your kids. But just like everything else, it’s got to be used in moderation. You don’t want to be the parent who posts embarrassing pictures of your kid all the time or makes snarky comments. You have to keep it at the level that’s appropriate and respectful of what the teen wants as well.

An ideal situation for a parenting partnership is to have both parents within a close distance, but that may not be realistic for some. Work, life or unexpected occurrences can lead one parent to have to move and be distant from the other. In a world of unlimited technology, keeping connected shouldn’t be the most difficult part of the distance, instead the emotional impact and connection could possibly be. The New York Times has some suggestions on how to keep connected with your child if you are a distance away. We think these are great, and wanted to share them with you. Don’t let distance create a disconnect in the relationship with your child.

Keeping connected via The New York Times

Text messaging, instant messaging, Facebook, and email – Text messages, facebook, instant messaging and email are excellent ways to stay in touch every day.  Kids chat with their parent through cellular phones or computer keyboard.  This can help children feel an instant connection with the long-distance parent.  A computer is not necessary with portable email devices.

Mail- Children love to get their own mail! Writing frequently is more important than writing long letters.  Children can hold letters and re-read them, keeping memories and the feeling of being loved.

Telephone – Call to chat, to read a story, to say “I love you.” Keep conversations focused on the kids to keep them out of the middle of parental comments.  Readily available phones increase secure feelings of love and connection.

Movies – Send a ticket for a movie.  Both of you go to see it and talk about it on the phone.

Books/Magazines – Subscriptions can help a child practice reading.  The parent may have the same magazine and they can have a discussion about the articles.

Gifts – Gift certificates or small tokens can be used as incentives for grades, behavior, chores, etc., but they should not be used as bribes or one-upmanship trophies against the other parent.

Thinking of You Box – Children love to get things that remind them of time spent together.  Simple items can make lasting memories of being loved.  Pictures, clippings, and ticket stubs all have meaning.

Email/Mail Suggestions

DO: Write about feelings; Share parts of your life; Ask questions; Send Pictures, cartoons, stickers, jokes; Create a secret code and send messages; Send self-addressed stamped envelopes; and Say “I love you and I miss you”

DON’T: Write too much; Write to criticize or question the other parent; Expect letters as frequently form the child as those sent by you; Use sympathy or guilt to manipulate behavior; Say “I’m so sad without you”