Some Inspiration For Future Moms

New moms get asked all the time by their non-mom friends, “What’s it like to be a mom?” We have all asked our new parent friends! The curiosity of hearing what they have to say, is intriguing to most. But is the feeling of “being a mom” describable? That’ also tough to answer, as many moms will have many thing to say about raising a child, and the ups and downs that come with the responsibility of being a parent.

What we do know is that being a mom is hard. Obviously, right? We also know that being a mom is rewarding and forms a inexplicable bond between mother and child. We came across a beautiful post online from a mother who took the time to describe what it’s like to be a mom, in her own unique way.

 

Being a mom is holding your newborn in the dead of night as she cries and cries and cries and you cry and cry and cry because you’ve done everything that you know to do, and she is still wailing. You feel like you’ve failed her. You feel like she hates you. You feel frustrated and miserable and heartbroken, so you just hold onto her and cry together because if you don’t, you will sink. She is your anchor.


Being a mom is beautiful. It’s your daughter coming up to you while you sit on the couch, holding both hands out to you and saying with a smile, “Come on, Mama. Let’s dance.” You scoop that girl up and twirl her around your living room, warm summer air blowing through your open windows, blinds drawn back. You laugh and spin and don’t care who is watching because in that moment, no one else matters but that girl in your arms.

 

Click here to read the post in its entirety.

A Man’s Biological Clock Ticks Too

Single parenting by choice isn’t just about women. There are a lot of men out there who are also ready to be parents and who are not in a relationship. We have all heard about a woman’s biological clock ticking away, leading them to craving a child, but apparently, some men also hear their clock ticking away. Can we blame them? Parenting is not for everyone, but for those who do want to raise a child, age can be a major factor.

For those who are willing to embark on the journey of parenthood alone, adoption is not always the answer. Different state laws can delay the process and at times, single parents, especially men, are not considered high-priority on the list of wannabe parents. A new MailOnline feature article discusses how some men are spending upwards of $150,000 on surrogacy procedures to become fathers. Some fascinating quotes pulled from the article are below.

‘They say they’ve always wanted to be a dad, they haven’t found a partner that they want to start a family with, they’re getting older and just don’t want to wait – the same things single women say,’ said Madeline Feingold, an Oakland, California, psychologist who has done extensive counseling related to surrogacy.

By the time the process is done, the aspiring father’s commitment is usually apparent, said Denise Bierly, a State College, Pennsylvania, attorney specializing in adoption and surrogacy law, ‘With men especially, the process gets so well thought through,’ she said. ‘They go into this having talked about it with their friends, relatives. There’s nothing spontaneous about it.’

‘Fathers on average are more involved in their children’s lives’ than in the past, said University of Florida sociologist William Marsiglio. ‘More fathers are identifying parenthood as a key dimension of who they want to be – not just being bread winner, but providing nurturing and caregiving.’

Diane Ehrensaft, a clinical psychologist in Oakland, California, says it’s an outdated myth that men lack the inherent ability to be as nurturing a parent as women. ‘The lack of warmth, attention and affection is what causes harm to children,’ she said. ‘No gender has a corner on the market for those three things.’

New Anonymous Sperm Donor Children Documentary

It’s been the basis of many story lines on television shows and dramas, but soon MTV will air the true story of a children who were conceived via anonymous sperm donors, and their quest to find their biological half-siblings and fathers. Ryan Kramer, the series lead, and his mother both created the Donor Sibling Registry in 2000 and have appeared on various talk shows across the country to spread the information of their site. It’s become a massive success and opens up a debate on anonymous sperm donors.

Read more below:

Locals Produce Donor Siblings Series

Ryan Kramer’s quest to find his biological father led him and his mother, Wendy, to create the Donor Sibling Registry in 2000. It started out small, but now has expanded into a 6 episode MTV dock-drama which will begin to air in November of this year. The show, Generation Cryo, explores the issues faced by a new generation of children coming of age who were conceived via anonymous sperm donors and are redefining what it means to be a family. Ryan and Wendy Kramer are Nederland residents, and their non-profit DSR has exploded from one teen’s search for his father to a nationwide resource for the progeny of sperm donors.

Exploring the ramifications of one man fathering hundreds of children, Generation Cryo introduces sperm-donor children and the issues they face in this series. What happens when a bunch of children dig into their biological beginnings and the consequences for the sperm donor who chose anonymity.

Ryan was born in May 1990 after his Wendy became pregnant with sperm from a California Cryobank. Wendy was always open about Ryan’s biological father and shared what information she had about the man who gave her a son. Early on she realized that Ryan’s rocket-science intelligence did not come from her.
At an early age, Ryan began to stand out in the classroom. He began his education at Mountain Child Montessori School in Nederland and then moved around to various elementary and middle schools looking for the challenges he needed to satisfy his academic prowess.
By second grade, Ryan was delving into robotics and genetics. His biological father was an engineering student when he donated the sperm that gave Ryan his life.

At the age of 14, Ryan was a senior at Ute Creek High School, taking the bus from Nederland to Longmont every day. By this time he knew he wanted to study aerospace engineering. In May of 2011, when Ryan was 19 years old, he graduated from the University of Colorado with a degree in aerospace engineering, probably the youngest in the country to do so.

As focused as he was on his studies, Ryan was also intent on another passion: finding his biological father. In 2000, the Kramers began a search, not just for his father, but for the chance that Ryan may have siblings who were also curious about their biological roots.

The Donor Sibling Registry was formed and was soon being contacted by sperm-donor children from all over the country. Wendy and Ryan appeared on the Oprah Winfrey Show and made personal appearances on talk shows, putting the word out, and always asking for information about the man who fathered him.

By 2011, the web site claimed 27,000 members, 7,000 of whom connected with their half siblings. One can well imagine the conflict, the joy and the drama that uniting half siblings can bring. Bringing together a father and his children he never met is the stuff reality shows are made of, and the Kramers have an unending list of possible outcomes.

In September 2011, the documentary leading to the series was produced on the Style Network. Wendy said: “We worked very hard to make this a thoughtful and thought-provoking show. We hoped the viewers were able to consider the perspectives of the offspring, the donors, the parents, the grandparents and the partners of the donors. We hope that people can understand why meeting a half-sister might be important to a donor-conceived person. As we are all redefining family on the DSR, it’s important that those embarking on creating their family in this way, as well the industry, and the public, consider and ponder the issues about how families are redefined through using donor conception.”

The documentary was nominated for an Emmy Award in 2011. The new DSR TV series will document the journey of Breanna, a 17-year-old only child who recently logged onto the DSR and discovered she has at least 15 half-siblings, all fathered by a man none of them know. It is Bree’s mission to meet all of her half-brothers and sisters and lead them on a nationwide search to find their biological father.
The show will premiere in November and the Kramers are now filming six episodes. Wendy is the producer and Ryan will be on the show via Skype, giving advice to teens who are looking for their fathers. For more information contact Wendy Kramer at 303-258-0902 or www.donorsiblingregistry.com

Donor is a Donor, not a Dad

Is a known sperm donor a dad, or just a donor? What if the donor was in the child’s life for the first few years? Well, in California, unless an agreement was signed prior to conception, the donor is just a donor. Actor Jason Patric has been making headlines for the past several months over a legal battle he has undertaken. He is making progress and it’s quite possible there will be a favorable outcome in terms of legislation that is being proposed.

The 47-year-old is in Sacramento lobbying politicians for a proposal that allows the law to define him as a dad. A court has already ruled he’s just a sperm donor. “Because you’re a donor, you are not allowed to prove in any other statute or any other way, you’re a parent, even though I’m the biological father,” said Patric.

Patric’s drama started when he and his former girlfriend, Danielle Schreiber, agreed to have a child through artificial insemination. He was even a part of his son’s life for more than two years. The actor could have been considered the legal father if a signed agreement granting him that status was in place prior to conception. After a split and no legally binding contract in place, he lost custody and hasn’t seen the now 3-year-old for months.

More from ABC News below:

St. Sen. Jerry Hill, D-San Mateo, doesn’t like what he calls “the Hollywood circus” his bill has created. He just wants to help men and same-sex couples who have been in that situation.

“Because of the PR hype, it has lost its focus. To me the focus is parenting. What’s in the best interest of the child?” said Hill.

Calls to Schreiber’s Sacramento representative were not returned, but the California Cryobank is also opposed to changing the 25-year-old law that protects birth mothers from custody battles.

Alice Crisci, who is eight months pregnant through an anonymous donor, says we shouldn’t get in the middle of a court battle.

“The reality is he’s seeking to impact a few number of men that then disrupts tens of thousands of families. That seems like an irresponsible use of creating new laws,” said Crisci.

Patric insists Hill’s proposal just gives him and others a fighting chance to be part of their child’s life.

“This doesn’t give you your son back, your daughter back. It gives you the opportunity to go to court and present your evidence,” said Patric.

Schreiber attorney recently told ABC7News they hope lawmakers do not interfere with the rights they were promised.

Helpusadopt.org Does Not Define Family & Supports LGBT Adoption

Helpusadopt.org was created by 2 adoptive parents in 2007. Becky and Kipp Fawcett were so grateful for the fact that they had the financial means to adopt their son Jake that they looked to make a donation to an existing organization that would help ease another family’s financial burden. However, what they found were organizations that discriminated against certain people and only covered certain types of adoptions. Armed with this knowledge and their belief in family undefined, they decided to create a grant organization that does not define family or adoption — Helpusadopt.org was born.

Helpusadopt.org is a national 501c3 financial grant program that helps couples/individuals (regardless of race, religion, gender, marital status and sexual orientation) with the costs of their adoptions (domestic, international, special needs or foster care) by awarding grants of up to $15,000. Every grant cycle (twice a year since 2007) has aimed and succeeded in having multiple LGBT grant recipients. Last year, they had their first transgendered applicant and recipient. The next application deadline is Friday, October 1th.

For more information visit: www.helpusadopt.org for our grant application and the guidelines or email kate.sessions@helpusadopt.org

 

Selected testimonials

Seth, Clayton, and Cici

“The grant we got from Helpusadopt.org really helped us to offset the cost of adopting our daughter, Cici, and meant that we could spend the last frenzied weeks focusing on building the relationship with her birthmother and getting prepared to become responsible for a third little life! She was literally the best Christmas present ever, and we can’t tell you how giddy we were. We have wanted to be parents since we first got together almost ten years ago. Having Cici in our lives these last 4 and a half months has been the most extraordinary experience we’ve ever had.”

Nathan, Wes, and Chasen

“We want to express our sincere gratitude and humble thanks for being both considered and chosen for an adoption grant. It has put a much needed gust of wind in our sails as we continue on this journey.”

Amy, Jami and Jazmyn

“Amy and I are having the best time being mommies! We just love Jazmyn more than anything, and are so grateful to Helpusadopt.org for helping to make our dreams come true. We tell everyone about you guys and what a great blessing you have been in our lives!”

Rough Housing Fathers

We came across an article all about the importance of how a male figure interacts and plays with children, courtesy of a Disney owned site, Babble.com. The article is tailored towards father’s but since every family is different, we wanted to just put this out there for anyone to read and appreciate. Disney normally wouldn’t be the first place we would turn to for parenting tips or advice, but since there was a referenced study from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, we gave it a second read and found some fun points. When we post these “tips” or articles about parenting, our hope is not to convince you, teach you or tell you that this is the only way, but instead we hope to inform you, and hopefully inspire you in some way, shape or form. Most people reading our blogs are not parents yet, so these articles are truly meant to help paint a longterm perspective of what parenthood is all about. Read more about how male role figures interact differently with children below.

As fathers, we are built with unique gifts to offer our kids and, believe it or not, how we play with our children is one of them. Studies have shown that fathers play with their kids in ways different than their mothers, and the way fathers play can offer children lessons on behavior and important social skills. Rough-housing with the kids, a dad specialty, is not only good for giggles and laughs, but it gives kids an understanding of boundaries and self-control. They learn how far to take things, what’s “too far,” and how to manage their emotions. It’s in this playful spirit, this sense of adventure, that fathers contribute to their children’s well being.

That same sense of adventure is what challenges children to succeed, to take that extra step and venture into the unknown. The way we play with our kids encourages independence and pushes them to self-achievement. In fact, a 2001 study by the Department of Education showed that children with involved biological fathers were 43% more likely to get mostly A’s in school! How’s that for a positive impact? Read more here.

 

Full Time Guilt

Not everyone can be a stay at home parent. For most, it’s just not financially feasible. And others, just don’t want to do it. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s perfectly normal to work full time and still manage to raise a baby, regardless of what a certain small population of people might tell you. But don’t let them make you fee bad for a decision that you decide to make when raising your family, or considering how to raise your family.

That being said, if you do decide that you can’t be at home full time, it’s possible you might feel like you are missing out. It’s normal, and these feelings or anxieties are shared among other working parents. Below are some tips geared towards working moms, but can be applied to working parents, as nowadays, we all know that families come in many different forms. (sheknows.com)

Remember that quality matters

You might not have as many hours in the day with your kids as other moms do, but that doesn’t mean you can’t connect with your children in a positive, meaningful way. Remember that it’s quality (not quantity) that counts.

  • Unplug. Seriously — turn off your phone, step away from your computer and enjoy your evenings with your kids. Giving your child your full attention is very important for bonding.
  • Hug. Every child, no matter how old, needs a mama’s touch. Whether you have toddlers, teens or kids in between, spend some time every day getting close.
  • Listen. Let your kids do the talking when you are with them. Whether your teen is venting about a teacher at school or your preschooler is telling you about dragons and dinosaurs, take the time to listen.

Do chores together

Doing chores together doesn’t sound fun, but it serves many purposes. The house needs cleaning. You need their help, and you also want to squeeze in some time with them. Make it a game — you can clean the house (or wash the car or weed the garden) together, getting it done quickly and efficiently. The rewards? You can chat along the way, and when you are done, you can all go out for ice cream.

Get help

If it’s feasible, consider bringing in a little help. A full-time nanny might not be necessary, but how about a more cost-effective mother’s helper? A mother’s helper can pitch in with the laundry, help with your chores or prepare meals, freeing up some extra time for you to spend with your kids. Wouldn’t you rather be playing catch in your backyard with your little ones instead of folding socks? 

Create Traditions

Look for opportunities to create rituals and traditions with your kids. This is how memories are built and relationships are bonded. It can be something simple, such as going for donuts together on Sunday morning or folding laundry together and chatting on Saturday afternoons. You can also create more elaborate traditions. Maybe you sew a quilt together with your daughter on the weekend, take all the kids out to a new restaurant on a designated day each month or go on a camping trip as a family at the start of every season.

Don’t sweat the small stuff

Dishes are in the sink. The garbage needs to be taken out. Your child just spilled a glass of milk on the floor. And you are about to snap. You just worked eight (or nine or 10) long hours, and you can’t take it. Take a deep breath or leave the room for a few minutes to relax. Parenting is stressful, whether you are a working mom or not. Don’t sweat the small stuff and try to let minor problems roll off your back. The more peaceful your house can be, the better it is for you — and your kids.

Drop Dead Diva Adds a Baby

Another hit television show is bringing a “non-tradional” or “modern family” vibe to the series. Drop Dead Diva, on the Lifetime network is exploring the possible new character addition to the show in the form of a baby. Lead character Stacy is ready for a child but not married, or in a relationship, but is ready to be a mom. It’s already been teased that the character will be inviting ex-boyfriends, some of which she is still friends with to a “donor party.” It’s unknown yet if she is just looking for a one-time donation or a possible parenting partnership situation.

This isn’t the first time hit shows are writing these kinds of topics into the story lines, opening them up for nationwide discussion. Parenting partnerships, co-parenting, known sperm-donors, surrogacy, anonymous sperm donors, etc, among other subjects are already widely common across our country and aren’t really that “out there,” but for some in our country, these options are not really known about or discussed as much. That’s why having them being a feature storyline on a television show is great news, and shows that progression and the spread of important knowledge is well on its way.

More information on the show can be found by clicking here.

Another Parenting Study?

It seems like each time we turn on the television or go online, there is a new parenting study telling us that one thing is better than the other or that something we are doing is most likely going to have some sort of impact on someone or something. So are we supposed to live our lives and and or keep adjusting them each time a new study is released? The majority of these studies are coming from reputable sources, but where do you draw the line with too much advice? Generations before us raised kids and although they most likely had similar studies catered to their time era, the vast majority of adults turned out just fine, whether studies were followed or not. So it’s truly up to every parent. You can either listen to every study and live in a world of constant conformity that will most likely be high stress since parenting studies often contradict themselves, or you can pick and choose from all the advice and just raise your child the way in which you feel is best. There’s a humorous blog that dives into the issue of parenting studies a bit further. Below is a preview.

Back when I was a kid, there were no studies deploring the “questionable” parenting tactics of mothers (and to a lesser extent, fathers) who found a variety of uneducational ways to occupy their kids for short periods of time so they could get things done.  But today, it seems, no parenting decision is safe from the watchful eye of the parent police.  And now, a recent study by couponcodes4you.com (which, by the way, is a money saving website, not a parenting authority) concludes disapprovingly that many of us are using tablets and smart phones to keep our kids entertained and occupied.

Read the entire blog here.

Who Is The Parent?

A question that comes up often when discussing parenting partnershipss is about the legality of the parents. Who is considered a parent? With so many varieties of parents – single parenthood, same-sex couples, multiple parent families and parenting partnerships being the norm now, Judges and lawmakers are being forced to hurry up and catch up to the rest of the world. When a person is legally determined to be a parent, that adult has the right to make decisions on behalf of their child’s health, educations and general welfare. For a parent who is not legally recognized, this could be very problematic. With so many open-ended options for parenting partnerships, it’s extremely important to discuss the legalities of your State with your partner. Can two people in a non-romantic relationship adopt jointly? Will a known sperm donor be considered the biological father if the procedure is performed at a medical facility or at home? These are just two examples of questions that need to be addressed when considering a parenting partnership.

The below was taken from our “Learn” section of our website.

State laws which determine who is a parent vary considerably, and different states may take different approaches. There are three main ways laws identify who is a parent – biology, intention and function.

Biology.  The most obvious method of proving one’s parentage derives from a provable genetic connection to the child.

Related to the biological connection to parentage is the “marital presumption”.  Someone can be legally assumed to be the parent by being married to the child’s mother. Some states extend this presumption to a couple in a civil union or a domestic partnership. In a further expansion of the law, now a number of states extend this presumption to unmarried cohabitating couples as well.

In addition, even if the mother and the father are not married, if they properly complete and do not rescind a voluntary acknowledgement of paternity with the state authorities where they live, they will be the legal parents of the child.

Intention. The legal rights generally provided by a biological connection can also be erased through the intention of the parties. The agreement to use assisted reproductive technology to create a family, such as artificial insemination, egg donation or embryo donation, can undercut the genetic link as a means of legally establishing parentage.

Under certain circumstances, a sperm donor or egg donor can release all rights to claim parentage. To accomplish that surrender of parental rights, the state laws, if they allow for this option, have to be strictly followed.  The laws from state to state can differ widely. Under many states’ laws and certain fact patterns or state laws, there can be no surrender of a biological parent’s rights by contract.

Some courts and statutes recognize that parentage will be determined by the intent of the parties in creating the child, not by who provided the gametes or embryo or who gestated the child. In these cases, it would be especially helpful to have a written agreement signed by all parties.

Function.  There are the situations where an adult functions as a parent without having any genetic connection to a child and who may not have participated in the initial decision to have a child.  Yet, that adult holds out the child as her/his own, provides the child love and financial support, and bonds with the child with the consent of the legally recognized parent.

Legislators and courts have started to recognize these “de facto” or “psychological” parents and have awarded those parents rights and responsibilities.  Stepparents may qualify in this category.

Read More Here.